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Do I always feel like this. One day I'll have such an up that I skip. Then something happens and suddenly I'm at the bottom of the ocean, unable to breathe, surrounded by darkness and pressure so great the air is being squeezed out of me. IT hurts. It physically hurts. My stomach twists so bad sometimes I want to vomit.

Thing is, It's the small things that set me off. Small things like when I'm forgotten, or I forget, or I cant do something simple, or I cant do something someone else can do. Things like remembering my cat is in fact dead and that my other went missing, or that I am so easily forgotten some people can go months without remembering I'm alive. That I can be so easily overlooked even when I try my hardest to be noticed. That I don't matter enough to some people. That I forget to love the ones who do care.

I just keep keep keep finding things in myself that I fucking hate. That I get so angry that I haven't exercised enough so I get out of breath. Or that the skirt I love doesn't fit any more. Or that no matter what I do my stretch marks wont go away.

It just feels like I look in the mirror and I don't want to see anything.

Sure I take a million selfies. Sure I like some. But over time even those go into the pile of pictures in my head labelled flawed. I love none of them.

You know what the shittiest part is?

Is that I know, we aren't perfect, that we're human beings, that we all have flaws and that that doesn't make us any less than one another. I know all the things that explain why what I think is distorted. I know them. Not from being told by anyone. But by reading and looking and searching. and finding; things that I want people to tell me.

I know all of this, but it makes no difference. None at all. Because my heart doesn't believe it. It doesn't accept nice kind words any more. Not unless they're from specific people.

I just... don't want to feel like this hopeless any more. No more. please, someone, anyone.