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Do I always feel like this. One day I'll have such an up that I skip. Then something happens and suddenly I'm at the bottom of the ocean, unable to breathe, surrounded by darkness and pressure so great the air is being squeezed out of me. IT hurts. It physically hurts. My stomach twists so bad sometimes I want to vomit.

Thing is, It's the small things that set me off. Small things like when I'm forgotten, or I forget, or I cant do something simple, or I cant do something someone else can do. Things like remembering my cat is in fact dead and that my other went missing, or that I am so easily forgotten some people can go months without remembering I'm alive. That I can be so easily overlooked even when I try my hardest to be noticed. That I don't matter enough to some people. That I forget to love the ones who do care.

I just keep keep keep finding things in myself that I fucking hate. That I get so angry that I haven't exercised enough so I get out of breath. Or that the skirt I love doesn't fit any more. Or that no matter what I do my stretch marks wont go away.

It just feels like I look in the mirror and I don't want to see anything.

Sure I take a million selfies. Sure I like some. But over time even those go into the pile of pictures in my head labelled flawed. I love none of them.

You know what the shittiest part is?

Is that I know, we aren't perfect, that we're human beings, that we all have flaws and that that doesn't make us any less than one another. I know all the things that explain why what I think is distorted. I know them. Not from being told by anyone. But by reading and looking and searching. and finding; things that I want people to tell me.

I know all of this, but it makes no difference. None at all. Because my heart doesn't believe it. It doesn't accept nice kind words any more. Not unless they're from specific people.

I just... don't want to feel like this hopeless any more. No more. please, someone, anyone.

Me.

It's been ages since I last wrote here or even looked at the posts.

Didn't seem like there was any point to this all. I mean, most people would say; "You don't write these things for other people, you write them for yourself" That's not the complete truth is it? Sure some people don't want others ever finding the things they write, or they don't like writing things down the old fashioned way. Some find solace in writing something somewhere no one will see.

I don't.

It's strange. I'm not an attention seeker, if anything I'm a wallflower. Awkwardly standing amongst a large group of people mostly unable to say anything at all. I just stand there, waiting, always waiting for someone to notice me, to talk to me, to pick me out purely because they want to know about me. It's been a long time since anyone did that for me. Me solely. I'm possessive in that way I suppose due to the lack of it happening. It's not that I'm purposely ignored, no, I don't think anyone has ever done that. But it's not like anyone has tried very hard to catch my attention. Maybe one boy, who was the sweetest child, but even that was a push from my best friend.

No one has ever had to work to be my friend, to want me to be by their side. For me to be at an empty table, aside from those I'm already friends with no one ever sits beside me. I always have to find someone to sit with, because, you know what, it's because they didn't notice me. I've even been told by a current best friend that they never noticed me even though they noticed my at that time boyfriend. I never existed before a certain event. Even though I had always been there.

So for me, to have this blog, here, where my one follower is my most loved friend in the world. I feel completely alone

and you know what, I have a major problem with that.

it's not that I dont have friends. I have friends that love and care about me more than I could ever hope for.

I just wish that for once. For one moment, someone would notice me in a way that no one has before. to tell me my idiosyncrasies, my habits, my little perks, my small flaws and the silly faces I make.

for once I want someone to come up to me and talk specifically to me. To single me out because of me. to notice me sitting in that dark corner of my closed up heart and say

I see you. 

I need You 

I say I see no point in continuing this blog and yet here I am. Typing to no one.

Different

That feeling, the one where I've just realized I haven't been thinking about you. You, who left this jagged itchy pain filled scar right across my chest. I look back at myself and find, I've not let myself drift back to you. Remembering that I shouldn't let myself forget that you hurt me the way no one ever could. But that you taught me how it is to hurt so bad.

People look at me with pity, and confusion. Because they do not understand.. They never did.

How could they?

We never 'had' anything. We never 'had' what people are suppose to have. We never connected, we never felt. We never understood. It was all in my head.

Which is why no matter how I loved you, no matter how I liked you, I can never never forgive you. No matter who tells me to I cannot, you know why?

Because you don't want my forgiveness.

But who gives a fuck now? Not even I.

I found, someone, someone who is my friend, someone who is different, someone who gently places balm on my wound. I may not love him, but he is something to cover you. To place a shield against.

I don't even know why I write to you like this. You never cared, or acknowledged my feelings or heart.

Still, it makes me better. That I care, that I feel, unlike you.

Slowly, I hope you fall off the face of the earth.

What is it in here,

that you want so bad,

What is it you need,

is it on fire?!

Blow it up now,

destroy it now,

since you're so scared

of it getting out.

Creeeak

Sounds the step of your foot fall
on the old wooden floor
as you press your weight upon the wall
and brace yourself futhermore.

Breath puffed,
face panicked,
hands cuffed
to the chains that clinked.

Let the beat fall to the ground,
make the walls shake from the sound,
Let the wave take you through the halls,
of your absent minded thought balls.

Soar

feel yourself above the clouds
beyond the seas
across the grass lands
through the breezy air

What does it feel like?
away from the pain
away from the suffering
away from the abuse
away from everything

Does it feel
wonderful?
splendid?
unexplainable?
Amazing?
Everything you could have imagined
and more?

I hope for you
that it does.

I hope
that you soar.