Me.

It's been ages since I last wrote here or even looked at the posts.

Didn't seem like there was any point to this all. I mean, most people would say; "You don't write these things for other people, you write them for yourself" That's not the complete truth is it? Sure some people don't want others ever finding the things they write, or they don't like writing things down the old fashioned way. Some find solace in writing something somewhere no one will see.

I don't.

It's strange. I'm not an attention seeker, if anything I'm a wallflower. Awkwardly standing amongst a large group of people mostly unable to say anything at all. I just stand there, waiting, always waiting for someone to notice me, to talk to me, to pick me out purely because they want to know about me. It's been a long time since anyone did that for me. Me solely. I'm possessive in that way I suppose due to the lack of it happening. It's not that I'm purposely ignored, no, I don't think anyone has ever done that. But it's not like anyone has tried very hard to catch my attention. Maybe one boy, who was the sweetest child, but even that was a push from my best friend.

No one has ever had to work to be my friend, to want me to be by their side. For me to be at an empty table, aside from those I'm already friends with no one ever sits beside me. I always have to find someone to sit with, because, you know what, it's because they didn't notice me. I've even been told by a current best friend that they never noticed me even though they noticed my at that time boyfriend. I never existed before a certain event. Even though I had always been there.

So for me, to have this blog, here, where my one follower is my most loved friend in the world. I feel completely alone

and you know what, I have a major problem with that.

it's not that I dont have friends. I have friends that love and care about me more than I could ever hope for.

I just wish that for once. For one moment, someone would notice me in a way that no one has before. to tell me my idiosyncrasies, my habits, my little perks, my small flaws and the silly faces I make.

for once I want someone to come up to me and talk specifically to me. To single me out because of me. to notice me sitting in that dark corner of my closed up heart and say

I see you. 

I need You 

I say I see no point in continuing this blog and yet here I am. Typing to no one.

Different

That feeling, the one where I've just realized I haven't been thinking about you. You, who left this jagged itchy pain filled scar right across my chest. I look back at myself and find, I've not let myself drift back to you. Remembering that I shouldn't let myself forget that you hurt me the way no one ever could. But that you taught me how it is to hurt so bad.

People look at me with pity, and confusion. Because they do not understand.. They never did.

How could they?

We never 'had' anything. We never 'had' what people are suppose to have. We never connected, we never felt. We never understood. It was all in my head.

Which is why no matter how I loved you, no matter how I liked you, I can never never forgive you. No matter who tells me to I cannot, you know why?

Because you don't want my forgiveness.

But who gives a fuck now? Not even I.

I found, someone, someone who is my friend, someone who is different, someone who gently places balm on my wound. I may not love him, but he is something to cover you. To place a shield against.

I don't even know why I write to you like this. You never cared, or acknowledged my feelings or heart.

Still, it makes me better. That I care, that I feel, unlike you.

Slowly, I hope you fall off the face of the earth.