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Do I always feel like this. One day I'll have such an up that I skip. Then something happens and suddenly I'm at the bottom of the ocean, unable to breathe, surrounded by darkness and pressure so great the air is being squeezed out of me. IT hurts. It physically hurts. My stomach twists so bad sometimes I want to vomit.

Thing is, It's the small things that set me off. Small things like when I'm forgotten, or I forget, or I cant do something simple, or I cant do something someone else can do. Things like remembering my cat is in fact dead and that my other went missing, or that I am so easily forgotten some people can go months without remembering I'm alive. That I can be so easily overlooked even when I try my hardest to be noticed. That I don't matter enough to some people. That I forget to love the ones who do care.

I just keep keep keep finding things in myself that I fucking hate. That I get so angry that I haven't exercised enough so I get out of breath. Or that the skirt I love doesn't fit any more. Or that no matter what I do my stretch marks wont go away.

It just feels like I look in the mirror and I don't want to see anything.

Sure I take a million selfies. Sure I like some. But over time even those go into the pile of pictures in my head labelled flawed. I love none of them.

You know what the shittiest part is?

Is that I know, we aren't perfect, that we're human beings, that we all have flaws and that that doesn't make us any less than one another. I know all the things that explain why what I think is distorted. I know them. Not from being told by anyone. But by reading and looking and searching. and finding; things that I want people to tell me.

I know all of this, but it makes no difference. None at all. Because my heart doesn't believe it. It doesn't accept nice kind words any more. Not unless they're from specific people.

I just... don't want to feel like this hopeless any more. No more. please, someone, anyone.

Me.

It's been ages since I last wrote here or even looked at the posts.

Didn't seem like there was any point to this all. I mean, most people would say; "You don't write these things for other people, you write them for yourself" That's not the complete truth is it? Sure some people don't want others ever finding the things they write, or they don't like writing things down the old fashioned way. Some find solace in writing something somewhere no one will see.

I don't.

It's strange. I'm not an attention seeker, if anything I'm a wallflower. Awkwardly standing amongst a large group of people mostly unable to say anything at all. I just stand there, waiting, always waiting for someone to notice me, to talk to me, to pick me out purely because they want to know about me. It's been a long time since anyone did that for me. Me solely. I'm possessive in that way I suppose due to the lack of it happening. It's not that I'm purposely ignored, no, I don't think anyone has ever done that. But it's not like anyone has tried very hard to catch my attention. Maybe one boy, who was the sweetest child, but even that was a push from my best friend.

No one has ever had to work to be my friend, to want me to be by their side. For me to be at an empty table, aside from those I'm already friends with no one ever sits beside me. I always have to find someone to sit with, because, you know what, it's because they didn't notice me. I've even been told by a current best friend that they never noticed me even though they noticed my at that time boyfriend. I never existed before a certain event. Even though I had always been there.

So for me, to have this blog, here, where my one follower is my most loved friend in the world. I feel completely alone

and you know what, I have a major problem with that.

it's not that I dont have friends. I have friends that love and care about me more than I could ever hope for.

I just wish that for once. For one moment, someone would notice me in a way that no one has before. to tell me my idiosyncrasies, my habits, my little perks, my small flaws and the silly faces I make.

for once I want someone to come up to me and talk specifically to me. To single me out because of me. to notice me sitting in that dark corner of my closed up heart and say

I see you. 

I need You 

I say I see no point in continuing this blog and yet here I am. Typing to no one.