Nuetral Feeling

Do you ever feel stuck between being happy and something else not close enough to sadness?

Its weird. I do not know whether to still feel upset about something that I should not be about because everybody else thinks I should not. Is that right, I ask you? I am... confused to say the least.
Everything else for me is fine. But I hate men. I hate them and love em. I hate them for hurting me and thinking they did not just cause I smile. But I love them because my heart aches as I watch them. Meaning I still like them no matter what people say.

I am scared.

So very scared.

I do not know how to comunicate well therefore people think I am stuck up most probably. I have no idea how to tell my friends at all. So I write. I write and write and write and draw. I get to see the fantasy I want on the page. I want the fantasy to jump out at me and say 'I am real'. But tha would never happen I realize. My whole world falls on me.

-_-