why

Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy

Do I always feel like this. One day I'll have such an up that I skip. Then something happens and suddenly I'm at the bottom of the ocean, unable to breathe, surrounded by darkness and pressure so great the air is being squeezed out of me. IT hurts. It physically hurts. My stomach twists so bad sometimes I want to vomit.

Thing is, It's the small things that set me off. Small things like when I'm forgotten, or I forget, or I cant do something simple, or I cant do something someone else can do. Things like remembering my cat is in fact dead and that my other went missing, or that I am so easily forgotten some people can go months without remembering I'm alive. That I can be so easily overlooked even when I try my hardest to be noticed. That I don't matter enough to some people. That I forget to love the ones who do care.

I just keep keep keep finding things in myself that I fucking hate. That I get so angry that I haven't exercised enough so I get out of breath. Or that the skirt I love doesn't fit any more. Or that no matter what I do my stretch marks wont go away.

It just feels like I look in the mirror and I don't want to see anything.

Sure I take a million selfies. Sure I like some. But over time even those go into the pile of pictures in my head labelled flawed. I love none of them.

You know what the shittiest part is?

Is that I know, we aren't perfect, that we're human beings, that we all have flaws and that that doesn't make us any less than one another. I know all the things that explain why what I think is distorted. I know them. Not from being told by anyone. But by reading and looking and searching. and finding; things that I want people to tell me.

I know all of this, but it makes no difference. None at all. Because my heart doesn't believe it. It doesn't accept nice kind words any more. Not unless they're from specific people.

I just... don't want to feel like this hopeless any more. No more. please, someone, anyone.

Me.

It's been ages since I last wrote here or even looked at the posts.

Didn't seem like there was any point to this all. I mean, most people would say; "You don't write these things for other people, you write them for yourself" That's not the complete truth is it? Sure some people don't want others ever finding the things they write, or they don't like writing things down the old fashioned way. Some find solace in writing something somewhere no one will see.

I don't.

It's strange. I'm not an attention seeker, if anything I'm a wallflower. Awkwardly standing amongst a large group of people mostly unable to say anything at all. I just stand there, waiting, always waiting for someone to notice me, to talk to me, to pick me out purely because they want to know about me. It's been a long time since anyone did that for me. Me solely. I'm possessive in that way I suppose due to the lack of it happening. It's not that I'm purposely ignored, no, I don't think anyone has ever done that. But it's not like anyone has tried very hard to catch my attention. Maybe one boy, who was the sweetest child, but even that was a push from my best friend.

No one has ever had to work to be my friend, to want me to be by their side. For me to be at an empty table, aside from those I'm already friends with no one ever sits beside me. I always have to find someone to sit with, because, you know what, it's because they didn't notice me. I've even been told by a current best friend that they never noticed me even though they noticed my at that time boyfriend. I never existed before a certain event. Even though I had always been there.

So for me, to have this blog, here, where my one follower is my most loved friend in the world. I feel completely alone

and you know what, I have a major problem with that.

it's not that I dont have friends. I have friends that love and care about me more than I could ever hope for.

I just wish that for once. For one moment, someone would notice me in a way that no one has before. to tell me my idiosyncrasies, my habits, my little perks, my small flaws and the silly faces I make.

for once I want someone to come up to me and talk specifically to me. To single me out because of me. to notice me sitting in that dark corner of my closed up heart and say

I see you. 

I need You 

I say I see no point in continuing this blog and yet here I am. Typing to no one.

Different

That feeling, the one where I've just realized I haven't been thinking about you. You, who left this jagged itchy pain filled scar right across my chest. I look back at myself and find, I've not let myself drift back to you. Remembering that I shouldn't let myself forget that you hurt me the way no one ever could. But that you taught me how it is to hurt so bad.

People look at me with pity, and confusion. Because they do not understand.. They never did.

How could they?

We never 'had' anything. We never 'had' what people are suppose to have. We never connected, we never felt. We never understood. It was all in my head.

Which is why no matter how I loved you, no matter how I liked you, I can never never forgive you. No matter who tells me to I cannot, you know why?

Because you don't want my forgiveness.

But who gives a fuck now? Not even I.

I found, someone, someone who is my friend, someone who is different, someone who gently places balm on my wound. I may not love him, but he is something to cover you. To place a shield against.

I don't even know why I write to you like this. You never cared, or acknowledged my feelings or heart.

Still, it makes me better. That I care, that I feel, unlike you.

Slowly, I hope you fall off the face of the earth.

What is it in here,

that you want so bad,

What is it you need,

is it on fire?!

Blow it up now,

destroy it now,

since you're so scared

of it getting out.

Creeeak

Sounds the step of your foot fall
on the old wooden floor
as you press your weight upon the wall
and brace yourself futhermore.

Breath puffed,
face panicked,
hands cuffed
to the chains that clinked.

Let the beat fall to the ground,
make the walls shake from the sound,
Let the wave take you through the halls,
of your absent minded thought balls.

Soar

feel yourself above the clouds
beyond the seas
across the grass lands
through the breezy air

What does it feel like?
away from the pain
away from the suffering
away from the abuse
away from everything

Does it feel
wonderful?
splendid?
unexplainable?
Amazing?
Everything you could have imagined
and more?

I hope for you
that it does.

I hope
that you soar.

Feeling

I pray to god
the one I believe is real
that one day
I would understand
the way I feel
the way I am
the way I live

I want to feel
the way I want to
feel.

the way I need to feel.

The way I wish I felt.

so please. God, I wish.

cry

I want
but cannot reach
I reach
but cannot touch
I touch
and everything crumbles

I want to cry
but cannot let the tears fall
I want to scream
but there is no soundproof room
I want to destroy
but not everything is breakable

I am stuck
and I hate it
I am caged
and I hate it
I am hollow
and I hate it
I hate.
I cry.

Does it help?

no.

Take a.

Take a flower
touch the petal
feel the soft feeling
brush against
your fingertips
velvety like
soft material

Take a breath
of the amazing
sunset
and the scent
of a million flowers
surrounding you

Take a look
at the vast variety of colours
and the open sky above you
and the beautiful landscape around you

Lastly,
take my hand
and smile your smile
the one I love so,
and let me
show you
with open eyes
and open arms
what the world really is.

Hurt

It hurts. Inside. Alot. I don't know what it is, but it hurts. I makes my lips turn downwards and my chest feel heavy. And I can't right. Or read. It won't go in. I feel like the I want to cry. I feel like I want sleep. I want to sleep and never wake up.

Teleportation methods
Blue purple melodies
Running with elephants
Through all my endevouries

Polka polka poka dots
spotted round your head
make me oh so
fascinated.

Darling turn this way
one more time
and let me take you on the spin of your life
with my teleportetion methods
and blue purple melodies
and run with the elephaaaaants
through all my en-da-vou-ries!

Da da di do
da da di do
oh woah oooh oh.

Do a little dance
and make me quiver
with your stance
as you make do with
LANCE ALOT.

:D

The awesomeness of gore

ICT is the most boring when your teacher is like a drone made just for boredom. I wouldn't mind ICT if this guy wasn't just so boring.
--

A little something to get out of my mind.

--

*Clink*

A soft sound in the surrounding darkness. The room was large and it was cold even though no air passed through it. The surrounding darkness just seemed to make it even darker and I knew something was in here. I could feel their prescence. A shiver went through my body and my lips trembled.

*Click*

The lights flickered on slowly. Row by row by row. My eyes widened.

The smell hit me like a wall, hard. The scent of fresh blood, how could I have missed it? I must be to used to smelling it so often now, but the lights flicking on was like a switch. My senses kicked in and I had to do everything to keep my rising bile from coming out. Every light that flickered on showed a new row of mangled limbs.

When all the lights were on I dry heaved. It was like a sea of red. Mangled limbs, not a single whole body in the lot. Urecognizable heads, arms, legs, eye balls, and some parts I didn't even know were part of the human body.

Blood covered everything like paint and swirled around my white shoes, tainting them.

I stared at the middle of the room. There he sat, knees hugged to his chest, head straight, eyes glassy.

I breathed the breath I'd been holding. The lights went out, enveloping me into darkness again. I shut my mouth and held the wall behind me.

Something, I could feel something infront of me. Him, it must be him, my brain thought, trying not to panic.

As fast as the lights went out they came back on and I saw him. Centimeters away from my face.
Narrowed blue eyes, peachy coloured skin, full red lips, fangs barely seen. Hari messy and un kept, but looking like a model's hair. Face sharper than before, Limbs longer than before, body leaner and more muscular than before. All together he was a sight to behold, power and beauty.

His eyes were locked onto mine and the expression in them made me gasp. His eyes were wide and curious. As I looked closer I realized his face was relaxed and his pose as well.

He lifted his hand steadily to my face barely touching the skin. The ghostly touch of his finger sent shivers through my body. His gaze inched over my face agonizingly slow. I let out a shaky breath at the touch as his finger brushed my chin.

Slowly he brought his fingers to the bottom of my chin and turned my face to the side as he curiously took in every detail. He turned it to the other side again and brought his thumb to my bottom lip. He rubbed it gently before moving close to touch his to mine.

It was soft and gentle and amazing.

His hands encircled my waist and his forehead pressed against mine as he let out a breath.

"Why?" he barely whispered.

"Why what?" I retorted shakily.

"Why the fuck do you taste so good?"

Oh my god you hoebag!

HOEBAG is my favourite word. God, I love As Cole turns to Ash. Awesome story. Find it on Fictionpress. Lys, you know what that is. Ha ha. Laugh your fricking ass off Material. Damn Fricking awesome SHIT. Reread it over and over again.

Lyssa was over and we slept at SIX in the fucking morning from playin Gears of War2. HAHAH finished it the next day. Shit tireeeeed. But it was the funniest shit. Playing with ShafiqandLys on Gears of war is like the funniest thing. Lys keeps getting me dead but is kinda awesome for a first time player, even though she can never find me even when I'm right in front of her. -_-

I FINISHED IT, though. ON HARDCORE. It feels so goooood. I know I'm weird but yeah. It's awesome.

Watching

Watching from the window
Watching from across the room
Watching from across the bed
Watching from behind
Watching from the window sill
Watching from the Doorstep still

Watching you read a book
Watching you cry from onions
Watching you silently cook
Watching you laugh
Watching you as you strive
Watching you smile with glee
Watching you sleeping peace

From Death

Candle in the window
cat in the cradle
little boy on the mantle
silly girl on the window sill
pussy willow in the basement jar
furry lentil in a bowl of flour
cookie jar broken on the floor
sighing mother at the bar
crying father not so far
living room door lying ajar
and the windows open
to let the cool winter air
fly throughas the flies go by
and the little boy begins to cry
and the father storms by
and the mother passes by
and the sillydarling girl
jumps out the window

The next day the sun is bright
The next day the mother is sober
The next day son has grown
The next day the fatheris strong
and the small bird begins to sing

There is life from death
move on and remember
the sacrificed
one not
in vain
of the daughter
slain.

no title

Your arms surround me
as your lips touch my forehead
as the snow falls around us
and your eyes touch my soul.

I watch the sky cloud over
the darkening clouds begn to thunder
your long unawakening slumber
pains my heart and I sink under.

Your warmth begins to fade
as your touch begins to linger
and the light begins to simmer
as your remains float down the river.

At first I tried forget
then I began to remember
and when the tears flowed
I tried to destroy
and finally the wind blew
and I moved on
to stop
myself
from dying.

RETARDED POST.

TWO CRAZIES AND COMPUTER. HI.

At Lyssa's. Awesomeness. Loving Owl City. Stupid lyssa. addicted to something new. Damn. OH WELL. IT IS AWESOME> Wahahahahaha. Tired and crap but still more hyped than Lyssa. She can sleep like a rock and look like one to. =D That's just lys. Re-reading aNgus Thongs and full-fronttle snogging. Awesomest book. movie kinda sucked. Robbie was such a let down in the movie. =D

Another day another print

:D

Say the same andthe same andthe same over and over again

Keep spinning
and
spinning
and
spinning
and
spinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnning

around.

Cause we will
sing
and
sing
and sing
till your eardrums hurt.

And the night goes on with the lights shining down on our heads as the world comes around and groans to a halt when the snakes climb on before the sunsets zooms on.

And loud and loud and loud & clear we scream the purity and
rage

And on and on and on we moan about the lies and trys or our lives.

When we should all just jump into the sea and live it all now.

**

Sighs. my life is shortened again. Damn. Lol. Ilove sighing to much. But then again to me its more of a release of breathe.

Its not a sigh when i'm bREATHING.

I'm almost finished reading Nick&Norah's infinite playlist and I have to say, its a book i cannot put down. It is damn fucking good. I love nick and i love i-am-schizo-Norah. And I have to sya I adore Tris as well. She's actually a cool bitch. Ha ha. The movie cannot live up to the book. THe feel is completely different, but the movie is a nice warm funny gay ride with a little 'Iwannaholdyourhand'. In all a damn fucking good movie to.

I letting loose of love and letting go of me. I wanna fly free and wander. I wanna go around and thunder. I wanna see the light i never saw when i said no to walking around. I wanna not care about the way i dress. I wanna a lovable funny bitch of a gal.

Hopefully.

ZEE